By Jason Heil
COVID-19 has changed me and I don’t even know the extent of it yet.
I sure don’t know how I’m going to navigate coming out this pandemic. Or even what being “out” of it looks like.
I’ve been keeping an ongoing journal throughout the pandemic. A quick scroll through the pages reveals stress & anxiety, boredom, peace and even some simple pleasures. I guess I could say that about every year, but this one is different. The ups and downs are somehow at the same time more piercing and more dulled. Even now, it feels too close to go back and reread it all. I just feel a bit numb when I think about it. It feels like it’s ending, but I’m not sure what that means.
I’m hoping a year from now, I won’t be chronicling the End of Year Two. There are a lot of reasons to believe that I won’t, but let’s start by going back to the beginning, or at least the beginning of the Big Change:
On March 13, the day we started isolating, there were 1,663 cases and 40 deaths in the US. At the One Year mark, we were at 29.4 million cases and 534,157 deaths, and it’s only going up from there. A recent study showed that over 40% of US deaths are attributable to our former President’s bumbling response. That’s over 200,000 unnecessary deaths. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around that one. As I go through my posts from a year ago, it basically seems that most of my worst fears were realized. The main one that wasn’t? I haven’t lost someone in my inner circle to COVID-19, though I have lost acquaintances. That makes me privileged, but it doesn’t take anything away from the sheer devastation that the world has faced/is facing/will continue to face. This has been an event of a lifetime and it’s still not over. We are still seeing over 1,500 dead per day. In San Diego, we are at nearly 1 death for every 1,000 people. That’s scary, but not as bad as my hometown in Ohio, where it is nearly 1 death for every 500 people.
There is a big bright light at the end of the tunnel. The vaccines are bringing down levels tremendously and it looks like most of the adult population will be able to be vaccinated in the next 60 days, which is incredible.
But we’re still in the tunnel.
And the tunnel is changing.
For me, Uncertainty would come to define those early days of the pandemic. Absolutes are easy. You just deal with them. But Uncertainty makes dealing trickier.
Last year, I was halfway through the rehearsal process for the University production that I was directing of Pride & Prejudice. The rumors came for a few days that the school might be shutting down. The night before we were shuttered, I told my cast that the word on my mind was “Uncertainty.” We had to proceed as though Opening Night was still on the horizon, but also prepare for the possibility that we might be cancelled (which is what happened). Our last rehearsal was actually a good one and the cast threw themselves into moving the work forward, regardless of what would happen.
For me, Uncertainty would come to define those early days of the pandemic. Absolutes are easy. You just deal with them. But Uncertainty makes dealing trickier. Do I have to do this for a day? A week? A month?
In those early days, even shopping was uncertain. Our family took walks around the neighborhood to get out of the house, but we were scared that we were risking exposure. We tried to stock up on supplies, but so was everyone else in the world, it seemed. I remember that I took off my clothes and showered when I returned from the store. But I wasn’t even wearing a mask then. I later saw a picture in the paper of shoppers getting toilet paper during the early weeks and no one was wearing a mask! It was a reminder of how different those early days were. We just didn’t know what to expect.
It was almost a relief when strict guidelines were established. Yes, we have to wear masks. We won’t leave home unless we absolutely have to. If we do have to be around people, maintain six feet distance whenever possible and wear your masks. It is okay to walk in our neighborhood, if we keep our distance from others and wear our masks. And wash our hands. Then wash our hands. And wash our hands some more.
I’ve always been a bit of a systems guy (I’m sure that we will talk in future columns about how that can be a problem), but for me having those guidelines gave me some peace. I had concrete actions that I should do. I had concrete actions that I should not do. It was different, but those boundaries created a bubble, and within that bubble, I could have a degree of stability.
Jason, Kim, and the kids
All in all, much of the first year was about the Bubble. We went about our business, forayed into the outside world when necessary, and then retreated back to safety. When we saw people who ignored and defied the Bubble, we judged them. This didn’t just feel like “you do you.” Their actions could threaten our Bubble. As mentioned above, we saw that the death rate was far higher than it needed to be. Defiant gatherings led to spikes in cases. But there was only so much we could do. We found ways to vote and change the leadership. While Uncertainty never went away entirely, for the most part, it remained outside of the Bubble, lurking and waiting. On the inside, the Bubble could be very nice, even cozy.
I think 2021 is going to be all about Negotiation – negotiations with friends and family, negotiation with employers and coworkers, negotiation with fellow Americans in public.
Now, as we slide into our second year and transition into whatever is next, things are already changing. Judgement of others or even myself is not so simple. I’ve been thinking a lot in recent weeks about Negotiation. The clear lines of the Bubble are gone. I think 2021 is going to be all about Negotiation – negotiations with friends and family, negotiation with employers and coworkers, negotiation with fellow Americans in public. Negotiation with ourselves. That last one is already the hardest for me. How do I negotiate with myself?
2020 ended up being fairly simple in its guidelines: wear your mask, socially distance, wash your hands… (I know. I know. Many Americans struggled with those simple tasks, but for the majority, those were guidelines we could all try to follow to help protect and support each other).
But 2021 is already so much different. Different people are already at different stages – stages of vaccination, stages of health, stages of recovery, stages of security, and even stages of comfort. We are going to have to learn to negotiate those differences – and different stages – as best as we can. With thought. With love. With grace.
In our house, we have begun loosening the boundaries.
While my wife and I are still working from home, we are each in discussion with our various jobs regarding future in-person activities. We have agreed to resume some back-yard meetups with friends, which we delayed until we had each been vaccinated.
Do we worry that we may be part of the world reopening too soon? Maybe a little. Have we still decided to move forward? Yes.
By the time you read this, one of our children will be back to in-person learning. His sister decided to wait until Fall, as she felt she was in an academic groove that she didn’t want to disrupt. The boy made his case and we listened. The loosening of state and local guidelines was a factor. My wife and I have been vaccinated and the school gave a very convincing presentation on their safety protocols. It seemed to us that this might be an acceptable time to relax our super strict Bubble-rules. Is it guaranteed? No. But we know the Bubble cannot last forever. So, we said yes.
Another big step was that we took our first family trip in a year! We drove up for a B&B overnight at Big Bear. The kids skied and snowboarded for the first time ever. Businesses were still being vigilant about masks and we felt safe. The worst thing that happened was a sprained wrist, which felt so pre-COVID normal.
Our latest Negotiation came when our kids were given the offer to play the leads in an in-person production at a college! While our first response was, “Heck, no!” once again, we listened. The show would not go up until mid-May. The first five weeks of rehearsal would be online. The in-person rehearsals and performances would be outdoors. Our kids would be staged no closer than twelve feet from other actors. They would have their own private dressing room. All COVID-19 safety protocols would be observed. We assessed and discussed and yes, negotiated.
Have any of these decisions been easy? No.
Do we worry that we may be part of the world reopening too soon? Maybe a little.
Have we still decided to move forward? Yes.
Skiing in Big Bear
There is not going to be any one perfect solution. There is not going to be a one-size-fits-all answer. Something that seems completely wrong today might feel okay in two weeks. We are trying to stay open to the moment. We want to look at each possibility head on and make our decision for where we are now. Even within our own family those boundaries change from day to day and week to week. When we are in different places, we try to hear each other and respect each other. And when a decision has to be made…we will Negotiate.
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Jason Heil is a Professor at California State University San Marcos where he teaches theater, and has worked in the entertainment industry as a director, producer, actor, and writer at some of the most prestigious theaters in the U.S. He received his bachelors and masters degrees from the University of California at Irvine, and lives in San Diego with his wife Kim, their two children, and their dog, Sadie.
